the deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy

heya again~~

well.. i managed to finish my two huge essays.. i still have quite a few more assignments but i'm just gonna ignore it for now.

some interesting stuff has happened.... again. there's something happy and something sad. neither of them i wanna share.. why do so many things have to happen to me all the time?? i pretend that nothing can hurt me but it's not that easy. i have to lose a major part of my melbourne uni life.. and start over again.

play this game.. "the crimson room" and "the viridian room".. they do work..

check out www.milkandcookies.com too. it's a pretty cool site..

omg.. i just read my last post.. wah liew i was so siao. ahaha.. i think i was prolly tired and stressed with work la.. and really homesick. i miss my friends! especially the blacks, sylvia, shumei and wei chan. yupyups.. i'm not too bad today cos i went to see my history & philosophy of law lecturer this morn and i feel a little confident that i can finish my essay asap~! =] only left my torts and processes of law essay to whine abt. okay if i continue i wun be able to finish anything.. so ciaos~!

tired.. muscles tense.. i seem to be losing yet gaining weight at the same time. i noe i noe.. i shud be reading my stack of research instead of whining randomly but rite now this is for me to chill, even if it's for a few minutes..

i dunno wad to sae.. just a few minutes DAMMIT!

f-kin stressed and emotional. with assignments, duh. i'm not gonna spend a part of my brain on guys no more. love is screwed up. all guys say bullcrap tt they nv mean. that's all u need to know. i dun give a shit. dun bother me with such things.

i dun understand why nothing ever goes my way this month. if i rmb correctly my chinese zodiac sign says that april is a shit month. dun realli believe or care.. and even if it was true, those 2 horrible weeks were enuff to define "shit" already. march was a time when everything around me was beautiful like cherry blossoms and cheerful like puffy singing birds. now i feel damn f-king disillusioned. i dunno if i'm changing.. shud i continue being hyper & cheerful? it's getting harder and harder to hide my angst.

sometimes for no reason at all.. or for too many subconscious reasons.. u just wanna hide somewhere and just put ur head in ur hands and let it all out.

my mum's not letting me set foot on japan. she says there's earthquakes everyday all across japan. wth. my mind's too full to focus on the disappointment. i'm so very sorry sylvia. so sorry i can't go wit u. realli hope we can take a raincheck on the trip.. maybe when the world isn't so screwed up with disasters animore.

i've bcum so damm forgetful cos i have too mani things pushing arnd in my head. i miss my tram stops everytime i get on the tram cept' for melb uni cos u can't miss that big interchange. it's a realli minor thing.. but trust me.. the littlest things are capable of pissing me off for now. dun trifle with me.

i'm feeling like a major makeover. heavy rocker. black nails. i miss offspring and limp bizkit.

my internet addiction is getting from bad to worse.

i can't believe it.. him of all peculiar guys.. why can't he realise what he's saying is weird? my daoing and insulting doesn't seem to send the msg across. it's too sick. it's freaking me out.

today i met farrell, dennis and jaya at unionhse.. hmmm.. trinity.. seems as distant as sngs now.. not that it was a very happi 2004 either. but it was definitely a very happi 2003.

i really want to treasure my life. but why can't i still find my passion? i thot maybe i cud find it in guys i was attracted to but love was overrated. i realised it's gotta be sth non-human.. definitely non-male. i betta find sth before i break down and do sth drastic like drop out of sch or sth. if i do that.. my dad's gonna have a heart attack.. my mum's gonna be in depression. fuck it. it's betta to OD and die than disappoint ur parents.

kishidan~!

shou-yan~!

hehehe... today my love for an old flame rekindled after being reminded of him.. yeapss yeapss ayanokoji shou~ his nickname's shou-yan~

such a nostalgic feeling u know.. i've fallen in love with him since the first time i saw him when i was 15! omg.. i used to daydream abt him all the time! he's so witty and cute~!

i'm really happy for him cos last time his band wasn't big, just trying to break into stardom but now he's like.. he's kinda made it! he's got his own radio show and he appears on tv a lot~! esp. the variety shows! he even performed at the tokyo dome!!! how cool is that?! i wish i cud get my hands on a video of them. i haven't really kept up with kishidan ever since i came to melb.. so i can't understand his self-invented slang animore!!! *sob*

i just so have to buy his new releases!!! i'm too broke to order one from the hmv over here... and i also wanna buy the To All Tha Dreamers album from a band i just discovered. They're called Soul'dOut and they're pretty big. it's like 3059 yen.. which is abt 45 sing bucks... SHIT.. i betta save up before i go to japan in june!!!

heya~ haha.. i'm in the law computer lab cos we juz had some computer session tutorial~ been spendin the past half hour telling like 15 pple who sat down at the computer nex to me that the login on computer doesn't work no matter how mani times u change the domain. and i just came up with an idea!! hehe.. i typed "THIS COMPUTER DOESN'T WORK" on the userid field. now all the pple just look at the screen and move on~ *phew* but i think the ones who sit down and settle themselves nicely and then look at the screen to find out it's not working must feel rather embarrassed~ wahahaha..k fine it's not funni..

i'm a lot happier now! at last after a coupla weeks of self-pity and self-hatred!! i think it was partly due to my irregular hormanal cycle or sth.. i just got my period 2 weeks ago.. and i feel betta after getting it a few days ago. tho i wasn't supposed to get it for at least another 2 weeks!! alamaksxz.. i've come to terms with myself as well~ i mean.. so what if i ain't that hot right? so wad if no guy is attracted to me~ so wad if tons of pple have a bad impression of me. haha.. i still have sylvia, lynn, mel, and val who care for me and i love them to bits! over here my cousin, ivan and a coupla friends kinda care for me as well! that's more than enough~ hehe

the only thing that bothers me now is that somehow i have a feeling that what i've done in the past two weeks in uni has subtly affected my friends and their attitudes. like we're not as close-knit anymore?? *sighs* i dunno la.. but what's done cannot be undone. i hope after all our assignments and tests, we can still have as much fun as we did again~!

okay la i betta discipline myself... friggin two 1,500-word research essays for law due on the same day!!! i have less than 2 weeks!! and i haven't bloody started!!!!

i think i've gotten over my sadness.. i'm still kinda bitchy tho.. but i guess it'll go awae after a while. hehe..

my self-esteem's been at an all-time low lately. i feel so angsty, superficial, irritable, ugly and fat. haha.. i hate feeling dejected and unwanted. and so guess i wanted someone to make me feel beautiful. shane was telling me that i'm as beautiful as i feel and i think he's right. i think i feel ugli cos i'm so down. cos when i'm happy i dun give a damn at all how i look. u noe i love to dress up all the time. trying out new fashions and all. and i believe that what u wear reflects ur mood. normally i feel wacky and cheerful so it's fine. but when i started feeling insecure i had the urge to wear really plain, dull clothes. but i kept fighting the urge and now i'm more obsessed abt keeping up my fashion statements everyday. i want to maintain my cheerful image. it still doesn't make me feel betta..

i know this happens to tons of girls. but it's horrible how insecure it makes u feel. i dunno why we girls place so much emphasis on how we look. every girl wants to look betta than any other girl. and they try to achieve that by waxing everywhere except the hair on our heads... rebonding/curling hair... plucking eyebrows.. lipo.. bulimia/anorexia.. horrible diets.. slimming pills.. some even plastic surgery. but i guess if i realli felt that uglie i wud be desperate for some pills and plastic as well. it just feels like if we don't try to look as attractive as possible, no guy is gonna care abt u. it's the end of the world if u're nowhere near hot. it's a common feeling.. but hey, it's a sad culture.

sighs.. i wish i cud be the same old me again.. the carefree mayuyi.. everything takes time, i suppose..

today we had the melbourne uni night market~ it was like a funfair mostly asian food.. it was all right. haha. was with a large grp of pple - alan, ivan, wily, nicole, candice, florence and her girl frens~ one of the indo girls i was intro-ed to was able to speak japanese cos she did a homestay in japan for a year. mann.. her japanese so good sia.. i think probably betta than mineee! wahahaha.. my japanese is rather horrid. all of us went for gelati at il dolce freddo!! i just love freddo's so much mannn. heheh.. yummmmmmmmmmmmm

i was horrible today. i wasn't friendly and i actualli snapped at wily. felt quite bad abt it. i just sat down staring gloomily into space.*sighs* i dunno why.. no matter wad i do there's alwaes something in my mind that just irritates me and makes me unhappy and it just nv goes awae. realli hafta do something abt my blues. it's affecting me mentally, socially, physically (i'm eating a lot more suddenly) and my studies as well. wth.. sometimes i just find myself so pathetic and wussy. i hate sensitive, angsty, emotional pple but i think i'm one myself. k wadeva. i am so going to sleep. for the past 2 days i've been slping for like 13 and 10 hours. felt great. it's like the onli way i can escape from my stupid problems nowadays. ciaos

just got back from watching this comedy festival event. it's a japanese comedian duo (they are so skinny yet they have like eight packs on their tummies man!!!) and they're called gamarjobat (but in japanese it's actually ga~ maruchoba).

i used to have this prejudice against comedy events. i thot they'd all be like lame or crude or "i've seen that before.. *yawn*" cos u'd have to be realli witty to make me laugh. and i especially thot little of international japanese comedy. but i guess my sis is kinda interested in events to do with japan so all of us went.

those guys were not bad.. realli funni but not sth that'll amaze me and have me guffawing with laughter. at first they started out doing spastic tricks like that ping pong ball thing where one pops out of ur mouth and then u remove it and another ball pops out and u remove that one and so on. tho some of the tricks were rather amusing - like sticking a finger in one ear.. and using ur tongue to press ur opposite cheek out to look as if ur finger's realli in there probing around - i was starting to roll my eyes for a bit. and then i realised that it wasn't their main performance.

the feature was like a drama skit, almost like a movie. abt this boxer who lost pathetically and quit boxing.. and he fell in love with this girl and one day while they were playing some spastic scissors paper stone game, she noticed this wedding dress and was bowled over. the guy wanted to get it for her but it was too expensive so his coach walked by and saw him and told him to restart his boxing career to pay for the dress.. and so... blah blah *cliche cliche* and he wins after a struggling fight (hurhur..duhh) and they marry..

the storyline's simple and a little lame.. one guy plays the boxer and the other guy plays every other character.. i guess the acting and the props and everything was just so darn funnie~! it's so old school.. reminded me of a high school drama where the students just wanna make everything spastic & hilarious. hehe.. i feel a little better after watching it.

i dunno wad's gotten into me this past week. wtf.

i've been feeling really down and acting really dao and bitchy sometimes.. i'm losing my friendliness and my smile.. it's horrible.. i dun even understand it myself.. something kinda trivial just triggered it and now here i am, sulking.

freakk.. i haven't been sleeping properly for the past 3 weeks.. somewhere around 4 hours of slp every nite. today i slept for 2 and a half.. i look like a bloody zombie.

maybe i'm just feeling really pessimistic and the mishaps of the past months have built up and gotten to me. you thinkk??

why do i alwaes put my faith in the wrong places.. wrong time.. wrong everything.. pisses me off siaa..

what's so annoying is that old mindset is back.. i called it anti-guy syndrome when i was 14 but now it's becoming more simple --> plain infuriation with that species. hmm. maybe i'm so pissed off at guys cos i dun appeal to any of them. or maybe i'm just blaming them for all my problems even if they have nothing to do with it... oh wells, why would i wanna waste my time on them aniwae right.. they're so unreliable. guys = assholes!!

i missed out on going out with wily & alan to have indomie as dinner. how broke can i get man?? oh and ivan.. thanks for everything. dun worri abt me..

this is probably the first time i've felt so anti-social instead of lonely when i'm unhappy. i know i'll definitely feel better after a while.. but i guess i am stuck wallowing in misery for the now. stupid mayuyi.

argh.. forget it i can't blog animore. i dun even understand it. dun wanna talk abt it alreadi.. i need some sleep.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

wahh this week has been rather eventful~!

on sat night a bunch of us came to my place to play heart attack with lotsa funni forfeits~! all of us just laughed our head off~!!! the funniest forfeit was when wily & amir did this bellydance together~ hehhehe~! i have the videos!! they stayed till abt 2am.. den i started getting a fever.. dang... i think i over-exerted my body the past week with hardly any slp!

my fever & flu lasted all throughout sunday sia... i had to miss out on a road trip to great ocean road!!!! man.. but i guess i had no choice. i wasn't in any shape to go~ i slept a lot and it was the worst sore throat i've ever had.. blame it on the melbourne weather! ivan brought me dinner.. hehe thanks dude~! i was starving~!

i was only left with a cold on monday so i managed to wake up early to make blackberry cheesecake and some garlic bread for wily's bday bbq~! HAPPI BIRTHDAY WILY!!! 18 siaa... alan came by to get me breakfast~ hehe so sweet ah i was so touched~! wily's bbq was not bad at all~ had tons of fun eating. the guys threw the bday boy into the pool and at his place we played blackjack + alcohol and made him half drunk~ haha!! i got kinda tipsy and it was realli fun singing all the way home~ i had trouble escaping a nagging session from my sis at home tho.. it was realli hard to act sober~ hahahah!

tues: super PMS + headache evening!! but also ashish's bday! HAPPY BDAY ASHISH! we watched miss congeniality 2 and den we had a mini celebration at cafe l'incontro~ treated him to lemon meringue tart and champagne~ hahaha... the rest wanted to go to lygon street but it was too far & too late so i followed wily to supper in chinatown~ hehe!

wed: stella's bbq!!! wahh.. food was damn gd!!! *yum yum* and my sis taught my frens & i a realli interesting drinking game!! oooO!

thurs: haha... nothing much~ i had dinner with the girls ant, zoe & christina at this shanghai restaurant called spicy fish~ realli nice food!!!! heexz~

today.. went to library to try to start on my hollywood library exercise.. but i ain't in the mood at all~! in the evening i went to max brenner and the arcade with the guys so that makes it worse!!! omg... COME ON MAYUYI U CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!