the deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy

i think i've gotten over my sadness.. i'm still kinda bitchy tho.. but i guess it'll go awae after a while. hehe..

my self-esteem's been at an all-time low lately. i feel so angsty, superficial, irritable, ugly and fat. haha.. i hate feeling dejected and unwanted. and so guess i wanted someone to make me feel beautiful. shane was telling me that i'm as beautiful as i feel and i think he's right. i think i feel ugli cos i'm so down. cos when i'm happy i dun give a damn at all how i look. u noe i love to dress up all the time. trying out new fashions and all. and i believe that what u wear reflects ur mood. normally i feel wacky and cheerful so it's fine. but when i started feeling insecure i had the urge to wear really plain, dull clothes. but i kept fighting the urge and now i'm more obsessed abt keeping up my fashion statements everyday. i want to maintain my cheerful image. it still doesn't make me feel betta..

i know this happens to tons of girls. but it's horrible how insecure it makes u feel. i dunno why we girls place so much emphasis on how we look. every girl wants to look betta than any other girl. and they try to achieve that by waxing everywhere except the hair on our heads... rebonding/curling hair... plucking eyebrows.. lipo.. bulimia/anorexia.. horrible diets.. slimming pills.. some even plastic surgery. but i guess if i realli felt that uglie i wud be desperate for some pills and plastic as well. it just feels like if we don't try to look as attractive as possible, no guy is gonna care abt u. it's the end of the world if u're nowhere near hot. it's a common feeling.. but hey, it's a sad culture.

sighs.. i wish i cud be the same old me again.. the carefree mayuyi.. everything takes time, i suppose..