the deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy

Guess what? I ran into the last person I wanted to meet at Union House. Sigh.. When I saw him, my mind just went blank.. My heart was thumping so hard, and I couldn't look into his eyes anymore. I had no idea how to respond, what to say.. But we were just being as polite as possible. All I wanted was to just get the hell out of there.

And the worse thing was, he asked me to give him my new number. I planned to hide myself from the group of friends I usually hung out with last year, because I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy and smile when I'm breaking apart inside. I wanted to use this opportunity of being alone in Melbourne to shut myself up so I can safely cry all the time without worrying about people seeing me and stuff.

But I guess, silly me just relented and gave him my number. And after that, I had to call up everyone else, because my plans had gone down the drain.

Sigh.. I have no idea what to do. I've been arcade-ing, gambling again and wandering around the city, even late at night. I know it's not a good idea to do that by myself.. But that's all I can handle right now.

I dunno what he's thinking either.. I couldn't resist calling him up, but it was just all distant polite conversation. And now I regret. I'm so scared of what this polite distance means. And it's making me emotional again. Maybe he's trying to avoid me too.. I think he doesn't love me or want me anymore.. But I guess I've always thought that he never loved me or wanted me enough to make me feel more important than his ex and his WoW anyway.. Gosh.. sucks to be jealous and unable to do anything about it no matter how much you give your all to him.

Sigh.. I really hate being emotional, I've turned into such a crybaby. Crying over anything, ANYTHING, sad at all.. Especially this whole hols have been filled with awful unexpected events, and I wish someone could just hold me. But I have no one to turn to anymore.

I got Ivan's number from him, and called him up while he was at work. And I know he was trying hard to help me out and convince me to hang out with him and his friends later on. But I just couldn't bear to face any of them. So when I started getting emotional, he asked me to call him again when I felt better. But I still haven't stopped crying up till now.. And I ended up just not answering any of his phone calls after that. I'm so sorry Ivan.. I just wish I could disappear right now..