the deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy
Thursday, September 22, 2005
love merely means manipulation, torment and painful memories that nurse hatred and revenge in every victim's heart
I am so fucking pathetic. He just made it clear to me to have us be just really good friends. And I actually sobbed and pleaded with him to give us a chance. I'm a proud girl. Never begged anyone in my whole life (except my family when I want something). But he never gave in. Omg.. Just how pathetic am I..
I can't understand why I took the few days' break to realise that I was expecting too much. I started cherishing the time we had together and not worrying about the time he couldn't spend with me. I stopped trying to make him feel bad for that to get his attention. I was readjusting myself in the hopes of starting over. All those efforts for what? When he doesn't want me anymore.. I should have just kept it all to myself and not take the break so that I could be with him for longer.
I think he's scared that I like him much more strongly than he does and he probably isn't comfortable with it.. But I think we both like each other equally, it's just that I'm very enthusiastic when I'm passionate about something and he is just not as expressive as I am. I'm so sorry for putting him in a corner like that.
Still.. I also think he just doesn't wanna feel bad about what I feel. I've already told him I want to try again because I've readjusted. If it doesn't work out then the friends option will always be there. But he seems to be turning the situation to make him feel better. He says he doesn't wanna hurt me.. But I think it's more like he is scared to hurt himself. I understand.. I know that all guys have this huge problem about feeling guilty in a relationship. But he doesn't realise that is the thing which is hurting me so badly. Okay I probably sound angry now. But I'm not.. I'm just trying to reason.
Now I have to readjust myself all over again. I have to get used to the fact that now I don't have anyone in Melbourne to take care of me cos I don't talk much to anyone else. I cannot commit a lot of time to a guy as a friend. Guys are just there to have fun with when you're both free. They're not for spending time talking to and caring for you. Guys can definitely care for girls as friends, but he and I are so beyond that definition of "care". I care about my other guy friends too but we show it by all the humourous, spastic things we do in the times we hang out, nothing personal. There is Jennifer, but we're still starting out. So now.. I guess I have to be a loner yet again.. Well I hope it won't be so bad after a while.
I really do think my life is not worth living anymore. Time and time again, I find myself such a failure and I hate my character so much. I really just want to disappear from the face of the earth. But I have no guts to terminate my life because I still want to be around to know if my family is fine, my friends are surviving and whether he ends up happy. I don't want to miss anything. Besides, I'm a Virgo.. I'm just way too logical to let my emotional issues take control.
All I want to do is cry and cry till I shrivel up and wither in the wind. I gave my all in being with him, and that's not possible so now my enthusiasm is in crying. My emotional side scared him off already, so I'm free to cry as much as I want. Move on, Mayuyi, move on.. No more begging. Sighs.. My assignment..
I can't understand why I took the few days' break to realise that I was expecting too much. I started cherishing the time we had together and not worrying about the time he couldn't spend with me. I stopped trying to make him feel bad for that to get his attention. I was readjusting myself in the hopes of starting over. All those efforts for what? When he doesn't want me anymore.. I should have just kept it all to myself and not take the break so that I could be with him for longer.
I think he's scared that I like him much more strongly than he does and he probably isn't comfortable with it.. But I think we both like each other equally, it's just that I'm very enthusiastic when I'm passionate about something and he is just not as expressive as I am. I'm so sorry for putting him in a corner like that.
Still.. I also think he just doesn't wanna feel bad about what I feel. I've already told him I want to try again because I've readjusted. If it doesn't work out then the friends option will always be there. But he seems to be turning the situation to make him feel better. He says he doesn't wanna hurt me.. But I think it's more like he is scared to hurt himself. I understand.. I know that all guys have this huge problem about feeling guilty in a relationship. But he doesn't realise that is the thing which is hurting me so badly. Okay I probably sound angry now. But I'm not.. I'm just trying to reason.
Now I have to readjust myself all over again. I have to get used to the fact that now I don't have anyone in Melbourne to take care of me cos I don't talk much to anyone else. I cannot commit a lot of time to a guy as a friend. Guys are just there to have fun with when you're both free. They're not for spending time talking to and caring for you. Guys can definitely care for girls as friends, but he and I are so beyond that definition of "care". I care about my other guy friends too but we show it by all the humourous, spastic things we do in the times we hang out, nothing personal. There is Jennifer, but we're still starting out. So now.. I guess I have to be a loner yet again.. Well I hope it won't be so bad after a while.
I really do think my life is not worth living anymore. Time and time again, I find myself such a failure and I hate my character so much. I really just want to disappear from the face of the earth. But I have no guts to terminate my life because I still want to be around to know if my family is fine, my friends are surviving and whether he ends up happy. I don't want to miss anything. Besides, I'm a Virgo.. I'm just way too logical to let my emotional issues take control.
All I want to do is cry and cry till I shrivel up and wither in the wind. I gave my all in being with him, and that's not possible so now my enthusiasm is in crying. My emotional side scared him off already, so I'm free to cry as much as I want. Move on, Mayuyi, move on.. No more begging. Sighs.. My assignment..
posted by mayuyi # 12:10:00 pm 
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