the deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy

dunno where to start first.. i wanna organise my feelings.. i'm gonna start tryin to put more personal feelings into my blog even if no one reads it. maybe i'll start with the normal pleasant things tt happened todae~ went to maths lecture like an hour late.. oh i dozed off for a short moment during our psych tute class interaction while my tutor was going on abt sth and he poked mi in the ribs and i jolted awake as if someone just shouted "BOMB" and the whole class laughed at me. haha.. went out a couple of times with jun lee to shop todae~ i'm deprived of shopping man. afta tt had a small gathering at stella's apartment for a kinda pot luck dinner~ i made two trays of apple crumble! haha.. i hardly knew pple there... and even if i did they were too busy or much older~ but i had fun my night was saved by eating and eating and later on we played heart attack and snap it was realli funni, we all kept screaming in fear of losing each round. nex time i noe wad to do when one can't realli get a conversation going. =] they're all gone clubbing now~

aniwae.. wahh last night i was so pissed off man.. mum called mi and screamed at me on the phone for sth i did which i din noe was wrong in ani wae and wei chan & shumei were starin at me in the baillieu library wonderin wad the hell was going on.. dang.. i wanted to give mi mum attitude cos i din even understand why she was angry over such a ridiculously small thing.. but all i cud do was be silent. i dun like arguing wit my mother maybe cos i realli dun want to aggravate the situation or i'm just a bloody sissy. went home and my sis was so irritated cos she also got a scolding from both mi parents.. and den she had to yell at me abt the chua family problems.. i can't believe she just had to tell me "welcome to the real world".. it sounded so menacing.. and i just suddenly burst into tears.. felt so stupid man.. and worse of all, her bf had to see me in such a state. i hate showing ppl my tears. firstly, they make mi look horrible and secondly they are my very own, almost sacred, comfort. i realli can't help it if my parents are such private ppl dat the most harmless thing i tell mi cousin abt my family gets twisted into betrayal accordin to them. i can't help but think tt i alwaes feel as if i was the bloody black sheep of the family cos i'm alwaes so out of sync with them.. maybe it's cos i left brunei so young and my sis and parents dun like mi being so open-minded, singaporeanised and havin different views from them.

i noe i told miself not to bother abt my inability to have proper frens in sch.. tt was just a coupla posts or so ago.. but i can't help thinking abt it.. i just dun understand pple and they all dun understand me. i have no one in melbourne to call everytime i'm sad or lonely n no one i can consider a real friend. it's the same thing each time i'm in sch.. everyone waves hi to me, i act like how i was in sngs, all cheerful and dirty-minded but it's all a surface conversation. delve deeper and we'll repel from each other. yet at the same time, i have found some potential frens and yet i dun want to get too close to them.. i'm afraid of fake pple.. wtf am i doing? how can i make frens when i dun even understand miself and know what i want or need in friendships. i probably might get driven to think i have a split personality cos i'm actualli not tt cheerful and optimistic and kind.. i'm realli just a selfish, rude and proud spoilt brat. i'm so fake and full of shit. maybe i shud just go be an actress. i dun wanna try too hard in making frens bcos i've made great frens in spore and i noe tt friendships just form naturally and over time. i know almost everybody in sch to a similar extent and i noe i mite be popular in one wae or another cos of the stupid things i alwaes do. but really man.. popularity doesn't do a shit to how happi u are and how great ur friends can be. it kinda worked in sngs.. but not here in trinity. i've heard tt a many cliques in trinity have had problems and broken up for various reasons. i noe this is evil, but i have to admit tt i felt kinda lucky tt i wasn't in any clique but i was just trying to console miself.. still i do feel a tinge of jealousy tt even if they hate each other now, they still do think abt each other. and tt's wad i can't get.. ppl dun think abt me, positively or negatively.. i feel like an invisible ghost living a bittersweet life with a mask on her face.

okie.. i still dunno why i can't organise mi thots properly.. all my sentences aren't exactly smooth-flowin and relevant to each other.. freak.. wadeva. i'm so full of angst but i hate angsty ppl cos i alwaes think they're claiming to hurt like hell and attract attention and just want to get flattering comments abt themselves. i act optimistic but i'm actualli a horrible cynic. but for this moment let mi more humane side take over: i'm sure i'm not alone in feelin like an empty vessel and i'm sure lotsa ppl have bigger problems than me, like worrying if they can even find food or money for their nex meal.. so i shud just forget it and continue living mi life. . fuck i dun understand mi entry at all.. who the fuck am i?